A major earthquake has unleashed its fury. And for three days, the aftershocks were almost more than I could bear. I am metaphorically speaking about the chronic migraines I suffer from. There are times when these headaches just won’t respond to any medication. I am writing this much like the way my memoir is written; with raw emotion. In the midst of the seismic activity pounding my head, a thought came. A rather simple thought…
“Share with others the haunting thoughts, temptations, and feelings marching across the battlefield of your mind.”
So now the storm is over, and I sit here pondering a few things… The pounding was relentless and without mercy, but I remember so clearly lying in a ball on top of my bed pleading… “Father, please take me home. I want to be with you. Having an aneurism burst, causing my death right about now sounds awesome! I just want to be free from this. This is too painful. I want to be with you. Take me now! Take me now!” I know this isn’t the first time I’ve written about dying, but I want to point out what the apostle Paul has to say about this…
“For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
But if I live on in the flesh, this will mean fruit from my labor; yet what I shall choose I cannot tell.
For I am hard pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better.
Nevertheless to remain in the flesh is more needful for you.” Philippians 1: 21
Even Paul desired to depart and to be with Christ, but made it very clear that he was still here on earth to be fruitful. I’m still here because God has more for me to do. And my friend, if you can relate… you have work to do also! We just may be the only Jesus some people will ever meet. God will move many people in and out of our lives… all to somehow bring Himself glory! Hallelujah!
When pain is involved, things get out of hand. I mean… you say things you would never say if you were in the right mind. I am not suicidal. But maybe a few of you are teetering on the brink, and that’s probably why I’m writing this. Satan is very clever the way he works. First, he tries to make you think you’re alone. He then tries to isolate you from other believers, or anything that has to do with God. He wants to steal your hope, and then he tempts you with the thought of ending it all. Let me talk about this for a minute – Nobody alive is exempt from temptation. So we have bad thoughts… it doesn’t matter how sick of a temptation the devil throws at us. Even Jesus was tempted in the desert by Satan. Not only was Jesus tempted in every way that we are, but God’s Word tells us that we all suffer the same types of temptation…
“No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13
He will make a way of escape! Something that we all long for is to be understood. All you want is for people to know about all of the crap you have to deal with. Coming from someone with a disability… there’s a lot of crappy ways I have to deal with things; things people would normally never think of. My point in saying all of this is no, people are never going to understand or see all of your hardships. Don’t worry about that-they just don’t presently understand. One day they will; God says He will reveal it all one day, and that day will never end. Just let me say this: the times when we teeter on the edge of suicide are the very times we stand on the brink of spiritual greatness, if we refuse to throw in the towel and persevere in our circumstances.